REVIEW: Space Marines – Chosen by Ant

Starring: Billy “Experience” Wirth, Edward “Punchy” Albert, James Shigeta and Meg “a ming 2” Foster.
Director: John Weidner
Year: 1997
Tagline(s): It’s a big bad universe
Suggested replacement tagline: Remember, Winners Don’t Do Drugs
Theme: Space Pirates, 3DO, Mega Mingers and holographic hard-ons.

Synopsis:
When the Battleship Missouri blasts into orbit, Space Marine Sergeant Zack Delano (Billy Worth) and Captain Tom Gray (Edward Albert) are launched into the most dangerous space mission in history.

The time is the mid 21st century and the Universe is governed by a powerful, peace-loving organisation: The United Planets. Space Marines are the highly trained elite special forces deployed by the United Planets to maintain order.

Peace has been broken by a band of renegade space pirates, led by the sadistic Colonel Fraser. They have hijacked an intergalactic nuclear cargo ship and have kidnapped a high-ranking United Planets official in the process.

The spectacular confrontation that ensues will determine the future of the free planets...

Ant’s balanced view:
I was expecting Space Marines to be the usual boring Sci Fi nonsense so I was instantly pleased to see a generous portion of awful CGI & special effects, dire acting abilities and a totally inplausable typical plot, with the usual US marine shit style story including ‘Space Pirates’, the usual ‘Rookie’ straight out of the academy BS. As always the marines are about as convincing as the plastic suits and guns props they don. The main bad guy is one of the best parts of the film, he looks like a reject from the days of the Spanish armada dressed in typical pirate attire with a ‘sir Walter Raleigh’ moustache thrown in for good measure, he even tries on the silly accent. We were surprised to also find a star studded cast including; Meg ‘a ming 2’ Foster (They Live), Punchy from Fist fighter and food face from Final Mission.

Rudi’s ramblings:
“If I have one more holographic hard-on, I’m going to lose my mind!!!!” I declared after watching Space Marines. This may seem like an insane thing to say but I was quoting one of the brilliant supporting characters from the film. I personally have never had a holographic hard-on but I’m sure I would have one if I, like the afore mentioned character had been watching some rather rough holographic whores dancing on a stage.
I can’t remember the name of the character who I was quoting just now, this is because unlike some of the other characters he’d failed to right his name on his space Marine helmet with tip-ex e.g. “Gray Wolf” played by Punchy from Fist Fighter. Talking of “Gray Wolf” in some scenes he would do well to drop the “R” from his name.

Overall percentage (not an average): 65%