REVIEW: Cyborg Cop – chosen by Ant

Tagline: Human? Cyborg? Or Killer Robot?

Suggested Replacement Tagline: Human? Cyborg? Or Killer Robot? The choice is yours!

Theme: Killer Robots, Tykes and bumbags.

Plot overview:

A man rushes to save his brother who has fallen into the clutches of an evil scientist seeking to turn him into a robotic killing machine in order to assassinate the president of a small Caribbean island.

Ants Balanced view:

Cyborg cop is a fantastic story of a loving father and owner of local video games shop turned into a killer robot. No not really – the plot simply isn’t that complicated. A star studded cast insures a fantastic film – many Hollywood directors seem to think this anyway. Sadly they did not use this theory when putting together the cast of Cyborg cop, which contains 1) The most unconvincing male lead ever 2) The worst female lead ever 3) The worst ever performance by John Rhys Davies 4) The most unconvincing DEA officers ever. David Bradley sports a fantastic Bum bag as always and fails to look like anything else but an extra from the musical Grease. I kept expecting him to start singing ‘you’re the one that I want’ or some other total crap. Unfortunately not. Allona Shaw is incredible – how did she ever get an acting part? Her performance is utterly embarrassing – clearly she was only hired for the size of her breasts rather than any acting merit. The whole film is a shoddy disgrace, full of continuity errors, plot problems, rubbish accents, unconvincing rastas, absolutely terrible special effects, ridiculous looking robots – so to conclude – It’s brilliant and I love it.

Cyborg cop is also a useful film to watch if you are planning to build Cyborgs. It teaches you the basics which include 1) applying tons of makeup to make the potential cyborg look cold and therefore dead, 2) cutting off an arm with a laser and then literally just pushing on a robot arm – I couldn’t see for sure but I guess they used super glue or something similar as otherwise I cannot see how it stays on. 3) buying one of those kids plastic roman chest plates, painting it black and putting it on the cyborg BUT make sure it is not on straight.

Rudi’s ramblings:

Cyborg Cop represents the crowning achievement of Nu Image/Nu World Productions. The main reason for the success of Cyborg Cop compared to their other releases is that they didn’t hire Frank Zag or Gary Daniels like they usually do.
Cyborg Cop opens with DEA agents Jack (David Bradley) and Philip (Todd Jenson) saving what we can only assume is a hooker from a nutter. Unfortunately Jack gets kicked off the “force” for using an unauthorised bumbag (or something). With Jack out of the way it is left to Philip to lead the DEA’s team of useless cannon fodder commandos on a mission to the fictional Caribbean island of St. Keith. The action sequence which follows is a comic masterpiece and is worth the price of the dvd alone. Worthy of a special mention is Philip’s blue jeans which he wears throughout even though combat fatigues would make a little more sense. With all but one of his team quickly dispatched, Philip decides to make a hasty retreat. Unfortunately he is brutally maimed (in a highly amusing manner) and captured by Quincy, a Cyborg created by Kessel (John Rhys Davies) and his dodgy German Scientist. Poor Philip is then himself turned into a cyborg. Although how the process actually worked is unknown as it is one of the most useless yet amusing sequences we’ve ever had the pleasure of laughing ourselves silly at. The scene is thus set for Jack to arrive on St. Keith searching for answers as to the fate of his brother. On arriving Jack meets a feisty reporter played by Allona Shaw who is a terrible actress. The two of them don’t hit it off at first but it is obvious that they’ll fall for each other during the course of the film.
John Rhys Davies for reasons unknown attempts a Yorkshire accent which tends to appear and disappear at will. He appears to be having quite a lot of fun in the role of the villain and certainly kept us amused.
As is usual for a Nu Image film the production values were nice and low. On more than a few occasions it was possible to clearly spot stunt doubles, dodgy props, dubbed natives and asbestos suits. One character is blatantly not black as he is supposed to be. Slightly blacked up, wearing a rasta hat and putting on a dodgy “hey mon” accent, he was a disgrace.
I can highly recommend this film. Any Shit Film collector who doesn’t have this in their collection should be as ashamed of themselves as Alonna Shaw should be of her acting (but not her cleavage).

Overall percentage: 83%

(Above): No this film is not Grease.

(Above): Nu Image blue dingy carrying a crack team of blue jean wearing commandos

(Above): Various Nu Image commandos looking tough.

(Above): Here's one getting killed with some ketchup.

(Above): It's not an asbestos suit HONEST

(Above): Todd is one tough SOB.

(Above): Crap cyborg 'Quincy' complete with shocking face makeup.

(Above): Crap cyborg 'Quincy' showing Todd his awesome pen knife fingers.

(Above): Holy shit 'Quincy' cuts off todd's rubber hand with his pen knife!

(Above): John Rhys-Davies complete with terrible northern accent.

(Above): The bad guys lair, a set stolen from an early series of Batman I think.

(Above): To make crap cyborgs you will need a shoddy fake German scientist.

(Above): How to make a cyborg part 1, remove the arm with crap special effect.

(Above): Then literally push on some spare bit of metal.

(Above): Add fake robot arm prop, stolen from the set of Terminator.

(Above): Add pathetic looking cheast plate (ensure it is not on straight)

(Above): Hey presto one finished Cyborg. Prizes for anyone that can tell me what the computer mother board behind Todd's head came from originally.

(Above): Watch out! the Nu Image Sierra cop cars are fast and well driven....

(Above): No one has told David thats he's not in Grease, he may well be upset when he finds out. Note the stunning 'bum bag'.

(Above): Here it is again, yanks call it a 'fanny pack' apparently.

(Above): David you are not cut out to be an actor.

(Above): Allona Shaw, what a woman. Only hired because of......

(Above): .......these. Her only asset.