REVIEW: Phobic – Chosen by Ant

Suggested replacement tagline: Even ugly fucker street orphans can be movie stars.

Plot overview:

Young Joey Walters (Billy Parish) rightfully turns into an agrophobic after witnessing the brutal murder of his sister. The crazed killer, determined to finish what he started, is on his way back to erase the only known witness to the slaying, Joey.

Review:

The following review is written in real-time on the day of the shit film marathon. Billy Parish plays the lead role, most of the following review will be slagging the little tosser off rotten.
The film is easily mistaken as a modern remake of beauty and the beast. This is mainly due to the star being the illegitimate love child of Wacko Jacko and his monkey Bubbles with a good hair cut from Ben Bowl cutter, he is also an agoraphobic paedophile (in real life I think). The lead actor as well as being as ugly as a mouldy piece of fuck spasm is as wet sounding as the lead singer from the Lighthouse family. He also has all of the acting abilities of an epileptic rabbit in a bucket after being injected with a stunning cocktail of rabies, cocaine and bisto. He is so totally annoying that it is unlikely the disc would survive if you imagined the little tossers face was on it. To make matters worse the little twit has a really nice bird who I think must be blind… …no actually without any senses. Without a shadow of a doubt the lead character is the most annoying creature to ever have graced the silver (brown) screen. The story is irrelevant as it’s hard to concentrate on anything apart from wanting to kill the little gimp.

Overall percentage (not an average): 0.9%

(Above)

A) Billy discovers he can't help but put his hand down his pants whenever he sees a picture of Wacko Jacko's latest nose job

B) Billy tries not to dribble out of the corner of his mouth

C) Billy is upset to discover there isn't any room left for him in Wacko's bed

D) Billy practices his best cottaging technique

E) Billy is pleased to discover the queer bashers have left his neighbourhood

F) "Hello, is anyone out there? Will you be my friend?". No.

G) "Cor that's a big one!"

H) "And I'm spent"

I) "I don't mind it rough but why couldn't we use your bed?"

J) "I'm Billy Parish, I've seen Celluloid Suicide.com and I can take a joke. Because I am one."

(Above) Billy's bird - Would this shag that?