REVIEW: Crash and Byrnes – Chosen by Ant

Starring: Wolf Larson, Greg Ellis, Sandra Linquist.
Director: Jon Hess
Tagline(s): Terrorism doesn’t stand a chance if they don’t kill each other first
Suggested replacement tagline: I’ve got a gun and a bullet
Theme: Hair gel, Lethal Weapon.

Plot overview:

Retired CIA operative Jack "Crash" Riley (Larson) is called back into action when a deadly and beautiful bio-terrorist (Pacula) threatens to loose a virus that could destroy an entire nation. Paired with a young English agent named Roman Burns who has a reputation for being a loose canon, Riley must stop this wily terrorist before she unleashes one of the world's deadliest viruses.

Review:

A film actually written and partially produced by shit film hero & veteran Wolf Larson. Luckily he has done his homework – a VR fortnight of non stop rubbishy 80’s action films, picked up from the shelf of a sleazy backstreet video shop. With the aid of a VR headset and a packet of Oreos Larson went about ripping off every clichéd aspect of crappy action films to reach his evil goal of making the first film in 15cpm (15 clichés per minute) Larson actually managed to exceed this and has managed at least 30cpm. Larson also made inspired choices with the casting; he cast himself as the straight laced CIA agent named Jack Riley aka Crash, Greg Ellis as a camp English mess and some bird with a head that looks rather more than a little top heavy. Quite honestly this film is as near to a ‘how to’ of shit films as there could ever be.

The plot - cobbled together from off cuts of the Lethal Weapon series and anything else Wolf managed to hire the weekend he was “researching” for his script – involves the original idea of two mismatched cops. One likes it up the arse; the other likes girls with arse heads. They reluctantly agree to work together to thwart a devious scheme to release a job lot of G3 video phones onto the unsuspecting public. The terrorists appear to have chosen a bizarre delivery method for this devastating weapon – at the appropriate moment the G3’s will burst forth from within the pregnant forehead of actress Sandra Lindquist.

Overall percentage: 81%

(Above) Roman byrnes looking totally homo, 'got a gun' he cries.

(Above) Crikey what a homo nutcase.

(Above) Not sure why he is so camp, but Wolf must have decided it was necessary when he wrote the script.

(Above) The famous 'lick a bullet' here he is salivating over his metal prize.

(Above) Wolf looks on in approval. Shame the mullet has gone.

(Above) Sandra giving birth to a G3 mobile phone, note the person calling her.....

(Above) Another birth shot, someone is telling her in this frame that her plan is totally ridiculous. Will she listen?

(Above) Pregnancy is common among women. Head pregnancy is not.

(Above) CRIKEY a real womans pregnant belly transplanted onto her forehead!