Career Cemetery
This is the section of the website that looks at the people involved
in these films, actors, actresses and film makers. They are our
heroes. These ramblings contain nonsense - you have been warned.
Buzzy Kerbox
Best film appearance: Hard Hunted
Buzzy is the ultimate development of sports star turned into oscar
winning actor – well perhaps maybe only Herman award winning
but even so he is still awesome. More wooden than any wooden object
on the planet earth –stunning.
Matthias ‘Herman the German’ Hues
Best film appearance: Phoenix 2
I am not going to go on about Matthias’ personal details
as these are all available from his website. (see the links section)
Matthias is one of our favourite actors. He is big, tall, blonde
and above all he is GERMAN.
This is why we like him. He tends to mostly play the part of the
big bad guys ‘muscle’ or ‘prize fighter’
but he deserves so much more. Matthias also has an amazing skill
for 80’s power dressing, including extra baggy double breasted
jackets. His choice of roll neck sweaters is incomparable. Our favourite
of Matthias’ films so far is definitely Phoenix 2, in this
film he plays a bounty hunter that has to pick up some ‘pleasure
droids’ (basically some bints that are all over him). Well
that’s about it really but what a great actor. We have high
hopes for the films where Matthias plays the starring role such
as ‘the digital man’ unfortunately many of these films
are not yet available in the UK. We are fighting every day, as we
speak in fact for more of these films to be released – for
the good of us all.
Dennis ‘O’Harper’ Hopper
Best film appearance: Ticker
What I love about Dennis is his willingness to ‘have a go’
at any accent, sadly his having a go is similar to a man with no
arms trying to throw a javelin. What is also great about Dennis
is that he is a very well known actor but he is totally dire. He
has appeared in many shocking low budget films worthy of our close
attention. I like to think of him as the Malcom Macdowell of the
American south. He is also a Northern Ireland national.
He first came to our critical attention in the masterpiece Ticker,
stealing the show as an IRA (Oi are ray) bomber.
Billy ‘Continue’ Blanks
Best film appearance: Expect no Mercy
Unfortunately Billy’s website speaks mostly about his successful
‘Tae bo’ workout scheme and does not even mention his
momentous and supreme acting career. Firstly we must mention that
Billy is a brilliant martial artist, luckily his acting skills are
not up to the same scrutiny. Billy is not very good at delivering
dialogue, sounding a little drunk at times. His dress sense is interesting,
mostly comprising tops that are very square which don’t cover
his abdomen. They appear to be made out of some kind of towelling
material. We have a special place in our heart for Billy Blanks
as he is the actor that got us into shit films. His performance
in ‘Hidden Tiger’ was so awesome that it changed our
lives forever. It was his performance in ‘Expect no Mercy’
that cemented him in our eyes as one of the greatest actors this
world has ever seen.
Brad Dourif
Best film appearance: NA
No. Brad is just depressing to watch, without a doubt the most
abysmally boring actor, he just has something about him that makes
you think ‘I need to kill myself’. Watching his films
without a healthy supply of Prozac is not recommended. Ringing the
Samaritans after one of his very worst films is highly recomended.
David ‘Grease extra’ Bradley aka ‘mr
Bum bag’
Best film appearance: Cyborg Cop
David Bradley is a terrible actor. He looks like he should have
been in Grease rather than in action films. His obsession with a
bum bag is almost as shocking as what Whacko Jacko gets up to.
Don ‘The Drag Goon’ Wilson
Best film appearance: Ring of Fire
What can I say about Don, well he is awful. Alledgedly 6,000 times
world kickboxing champion, 23,056 times american kickboxing champion,
we uncovered the true facts. He has once won the Jnr vs 3 year olds
Alaskan gay mud wrestling championship and once came runner up in
a tiddly winks competition where his only competitors were blindfolded
and gagged paraplegics. Joking aside, Don may be a good fighter
in real life, however he is totally useless when he is on screen,
his acting isn’t even as good as Bruce Boxleitner in a coma.
His fighting looks pretty same as, nothing special really.
Additionally: I think he may be related to ET. (with a mullet)
Rudi Also describes him as Sophie Ellis Bexter after taking testosterone.
Billy ‘Barely Evolved’ Drago
Best film appearance: Death Ring
As a child Billy Drago was found wandering in the Florida everglades.
He was at first housed in a local theme park, “Reptile World”.
It was many years before the keepers realised he wasn’t a
lizard that resembled a person but in fact a person who resembled
a lizard. Once liberated Drago found it difficult to fit into normal
society. Eventually his reptilian looks and red neck charm landed
him roles in shit films, at last giving this disgusting freak a
place in human society.
Billy Drago has had a mixed career in shit films. At times hilarious
(Death Ring) and at others so putrid (Sci-Fighters) that lunches
have been lost. Loath him or hate him he’s always interesting
on screen and the shit film industry would certainly not be the
same without him (It be better looking for a start).
Pepin/Merhi
Best film appearance: NA
Many people believe in an anti-christ that will one day walk amongst
us signifying the end of the world. Not many people realise that
the anti-christ is already here. Even less people realise that the
anti-christ is actually two people and they are Richard Pepin and
Joseph Merhi. These so called movie moguls have been forcing dreadful
films (even by shit film standards) onto filling station forecourts
for years. They are evil beyond belief. Not content with producing
and directing their own works of evil they frequently finance other
people’s horrendous projects. They are evil, they nurture
that which is evil. Cross yourself and prey that unlike us you are
not repeatedly their unwitting victim.
Budget Rock
Best film appearance: The Circuit 2
Can’t afford the Rock? Then hire budget Rock, twice as fat
headed and less than half the price. Last seen in The Circuit 2.
Patrick Kilpatrick – Pat Kilpat.
Best film appearance: Class of 1999
The Bad Guy’s Bad Guy. Pat Kilpat is one of the best “bad
guy” actors we have come across. It has nothing to do with
his ability to pump himself up so much that the vein in his forehead
looks on the verge of explosion. No, it has everything to do with
his name. What a corker! Patrick Kilpatrick what a name!
Gary Daniels
Best film appearance: NA
Marshal Arts Duffer.
Gazza Daniels is apparently from London. His accent isn’t
exactly what I would call a London accent but I’m sure he
has a good excuse. He certainly doesn’t have an excuse for
his acting track record. City of Fear? He was upstaged by a Yellow
Bulgarian Taxi.
LeVar “I use my eyes” Burton
Best film appearance: Yesterdays Target
LeVar first came to attention in the TV series Roots in which he
successfully played a black person. Later he appeared as a permanent
cast member on Star Trek: The Next Generation as visually impaired
(due to a stupid prop in front of his eyes) Chief Engineer Loo Attendant
Geordi LeForge. LeVar finally hit the big time with his appearance
alongside Triple B in Yesterdays Target in which he was totally
useless.
Frank Zagorino – also known as Frank Zag
Best film appearance: Warhead
--- CLASSIFIED ---
We have spent countless hours attempting to find information on
Zag , only to no avail. We suspect he is working undercover as a
striking blue Jean donning NU Image commando.
Bryan “Big” Genesse
Best film appearance: Traitor's Heart
Nu Image’s first choice leading man is in actual fact a part
time walnut farmer on a vast estate in northern California. He can
be found there in the summer months tending his precious nuts. Bryan
is also a keen amateur musician, often playing bongos on set between
takes. Oh bollocks this is all nonsense, we know and care nothing
about Bryan.
Brian “Man Love” Thompson
Best film appearance: Hired to Kill
Brian is best known for is recurring role on the X Files but that
really doesn’t do him justice. He really is great. Mostly
because he looks like something quite odd has happened to his head.
He has to date put in two outstanding performances in shit films
that we know of: Moon 44 and Hired To Kill. In Hired To Kill he
managed to French kiss Oliver Reed without inhaling any of Oliver’s
booze fumes which would have instantly rendered him drunk as a loon.
For that Brian we salute you, well we would if we saluted gorilla
chinned low budget actors who take advantage of drunk pensioners.
Priscilla Barnes
Best film appearance: Talons of the Eagle
Trout of mouth and man of leg, but all mutton. Priscilla is a beautiful
young seductive actress – in her own deluded imagination that
is. In reality her only acting role of note has been as Jalal Merhi’s
love interest and leg double in Talons of the Eagle.
Jalal Merhi
Best film appearance: Expect no Mercy
Jalal is the mentally handicapped love child of Richard Pepin and
Joseph Merhi. Richard Pepin gave birth to young Jalal by caesarean
section on September the 11th 1953. Unfortunately he slipped out
of the midwife’s hands and landed head first on the floor.
The injuries that Jalal sustained have left him with the unswayable
beliefs that he is a world class marshal artist and film making
auteur of the highest order. The truth is all too clear.
Edward Albert
Best film appearance: Space Marines
Edward Albert is a charismatic and popular actor: as charismatic
as the contents of a dog’s intestines and as popular as the
intestines themselves.
Ernie Hudson
Best film appearance: October 22nd
Ernie Hudson was a struggling white actor until the day he fell
into a giant vat of Pepsi Max. The colouring in the filthy soft
drink bestowed upon Ernie the complexion of an afro-american. From
that day forth Ernie has been a struggling black actor. His whole
career appears to be founded on his second half performance in Ghostbusters.
This gets him the odd role in straight to video and TV movies. This
is frankly more than he deserves as his performances are no better
than his Ghostbusters co-star the Marshmallow man.
"The Boss of NU Image"
Best film appearance: Too numerous to pick one
This fantastic actor is nicknamed "The Boss of NU Image"
by us due to his age and the fact that he appears in small and cameo
roles in literally thousands of NU Image films.
Tia Carrere
Best film appearance: Top of the World
Tia was created from a genetically modified Vietnamese fighting
pig, using masses of oestrogen and a few barbeque skewers. The Vietnamese
do not have the technology of the Americans for dealing with such
creatures so they sent Tia over with a bunch of boat people. Sadly
the government of the US did not get hold of her in time as the
Hollywood film industry snapped them up on arrival. Tia has worked
as a slave in the industry for many years, only once escaping to
appear in the unplayable 3DO game the Daedalus Encounter. Her previous
masters include NU Image who threatened to make her work with decent
actors unless she starred in Hollow Point for them.
Malcolm McDowell
Best film appearance: Class of 1999
Malcolm is one of those actors who is quite well known but mostly
makes totally unknown, totally useless films like Cyborg 3: The
Recycler. He can certainly act well when he wants to but seems to
be lazy and unprepared to make the most of the useless parts he
accepts.
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